I'm a controversial figure. My friends either dislike me or hate me.
Oscar Levant
Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?
Artemus Ward
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
This is the source.
Dear Sirs, I guess your pianos are the best I ever leaned against. Yours truly, Will Rogers.
Will Rogers
This is the source.
My Dear President:
Will Rogers
Will you kindly find out for me through our Intelligence Department who is the fellow that said a big boat didn't rock. Hold him till I return.
Yours feeble but still devotedly,
WILLROG
That's code name for Will Rogers
This is the source.
What makes you think I'd be happy about that?
Ronald Wilson Reagan
Government is like a baby - an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Ronald Wilson Reagan
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.
Hal Abelson
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don't understand.
Sir Edward Appleton
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Wilson Reagan
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
Mark Twain
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
Henry Kissinger
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
Dan Quayle
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
Dan Quayle
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
Larry Hardiman
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Wendell Johnson
I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player.
John Kruk
I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.
Dorothy Parker
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway
Flattery is like cologne water - to be smelt of, not swallowed.
Josh Billings
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. If you chat with him a while, gradually building up the argument and the intonation, he relishes it so that he will roll all around the floor, lie on his back kicking and groaning with joyous worship. Very few wives are so affected.
Christopher Morley
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
David Comins
You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
Yogi Berra
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Kin Hubbard
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Will Rogers
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.
Jay Leno
As a general rule, wherever you find a large group of people who are baffled by complexity, you will find a smaller group of people making a good living screwing them.
Scott Adams
We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority.
George W. Bush
The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just like they'd like to be loved themselves.
George W. Bush
I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it.
George W. Bush
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.
George W. Bush
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Samson killed a thousand men with the jaw bone of an ass. That many sales are killed every day with the same weapon.
Anonymous
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones
The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
Will Rogers
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it.
Scott Adams
A man who tries to carry a cat home by its tail will learn a lesson that can be learned in no other way.
Mark Twain
I'm right, and you're smart, and sooner or later you'll see I'm right.
Charlie Munger
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